How to maintain friendships: 3 habits that help you stay close

Not to brag, but without realizing it, I’ve become a model friend — someone my loved ones admire for how well I maintain my relationships. At least, so they tell me.

Last month, my closest friend asked me for pointers on how to stay connected to her community while balancing work, well-being and everything else in her life. It’s no easy feat. Loneliness levels in the U.S. are high, and instead of turning to each other, many people reach for their tech devices, found an American Psychiatric Association poll published on May 12. Eight percent of Americans report having zero close friends, according to a 2023 Pew Research Center survey of about 5,000 U.S. adults.

Some businesses now offer to facilitate the friendship process, offering summer camps for adults or guidance from friendship coaches that can sometimes cost thousands of dollars. And when you do form friendships, you could grow apart for a number of reasons, says Jessica D. Ayers, an assistant professor of psychological science at Boise State University: classic ones like moving to a different state for a new job or being in different stages of life, or newer ones like trying to keep up with each other on social media and forgetting to keep in touch outside of your smartphones.

Especially if your friends have busy lives or don’t often reach out to make plans, putting in the work to stay in touch may seem like a fundamentally selfless gesture. In fact, making the effort to maintain friendships can benefit you too, says Ayers, who researches the science of friendship and how to maintain connections. Staying in touch with friends can improve well-being, lower levels of depression and loneliness, decrease anxiety, and even «increase our chances of survival after things like major surgery,» she says.

The benefit is mutual for both parties, Ayers says, especially in «long-lasting and sustained relationships.» And a high degree of social fitness contributes to a longer, healthier and more fulfilled life, according to an ongoing 88-year-old Harvard University happiness study. Put simply, your friendships can help you succeed.

Staying in touch can require a lot of hard work, at least on paper. I didn’t fully realize this until I considered just how many strategies I have for keeping in contact with my community. I set up multiple one-on-one hangouts per month with a rotating cast of friends, clear time in my calendar to be present for my loved ones’ birthday celebrations and stay up-to-date in five-plus group chats with friends and family.

In a sense, I was trained to do this: I have five siblings, and growing up in our household, showing up for each other was a non-negotiable. But there’s more to it. Whenever a friend crosses my mind, I reach out to them, just to see how they’re doing or ask when we can hang out in the near future. I host small get-togethers — one of my favorites was an October 2025 party themed around the movie «Coraline.» I travel to visit my friends who live in different states at least once a year, or plan vacations together with them.

Ayers says she approves of my practices. Even the simple act of sending a friend a quick note because you briefly thought about them is «a brilliant practice,» she says, adding: «It is the best thing you can do.»

1. «Just reach out to them,» she says. It doesn’t have to be super frequent, but let your friends know you value them: «When they come to your mind, send them a text, ‘Hey, thinking of you.'»
2. Prioritize relationships built on intrinsic qualities over external ones, Ayers recommends. Friendships based on shared values like loyalty and honesty are often much more meaningful than connections built on more superficial qualities, she says.
3. Bring something to the table in each friendship, and expend a reasonable amount of time, resources and energy to show up for your friends — even if, sometimes, you’d rather stay home. In other words, be the friend you’d want others to be to you. «Remembering that you are a valued person in this relationship is important,» says Ayers.

Ayers and her best friend live in different states — Idaho and California, respectively — she says. They send each other voice memos throughout the week, ranging from quick check-ins to 15-minute breakdowns of an important update, she says.

But especially with friends who live nearby, you should take your conversations offline whenever you can, Ayers says. Even in group chats, she says, you can write something like: «‘Hey, I’m going to come see you in person … We [should] go to this coffee shop and just hang out,’ instead of relying solely on the technology aspect to mediate.»

You can even invite your friends into your regular schedule, without having to find extra time in your calendar. Ask a friend to tag along when you’re running errands, or doing some other low-pressure activity, suggests Ayers. She invites her friends to her children’s sporting events, she says: «We can catch up in between our kids going to bat, or our kids’ time on the soccer field, and it’s a lot less pressure because there’s no expectations there.»

Being a social person has trade-offs. I’m not sure I’ve had a free weekend all year. But knowing I’ve built a community that I can rely on, and vice versa, brings me a worthwhile peace of mind. I’ll sacrifice a day of couch-rotting to watch my favorite show for a night of off-key karaoke or baking brownies at midnight with my homegirls in a heartbeat, time and time again.